The Chuck and Nancy Review

Come and listen to my story ‘bout Chuck and Nan
Out to make a buck any way that they can
They’ll sell out a city, a county or a state
Or even our own country, make no mistake

They bring in cartel outlaws to do their very worst
Beatings, rapes and murders with Holder’s guns of course
Give votes to illegal immigrants who get paid a handsome fee
To lie and steal our tax dollars so they get stuff for free

I heard from one who heard from one who knows what’s going down
They’re getting hands on Soros bucks to grind us in the ground
They’ve told so many boners they can’t keep nothin’ straight
So they keep out all us taxpayers with walls and guarded gates

I applaud those of the movement who have chose to #WalkAway
Dem’s numbers are regressing and conservatives are blown away
Their actions give us hope that maybe all is not yet lost
But while they grasp at plastic straws they’re running up a mega cost

To all you whacked out voters who want everything for free
Pull your head out of your butt cause there ain’t no money tree
When you file that W4 ole Chuck and Nan are sure to know
When you can’t buy beer or pizza you’ll wonder where’d your money go

John Wayne’s Bobbit

A little something from ’93. A little off-color.
Sung to the “Beverly Hillbillies”

Come and listen to my story
‘bout John Wayne Bobbit
a little ex-marine
with a really nasty habit

He’d abuse all his women
with punches and with rape
when his hand wouldn’t work
he just had to fornicate

Screw that is, jump bones, damn hormones.

Well Lorena said to Johnny
you can’t do that any more
so Johnny boinked her one more time
and threw her out the door

Then he went to sleep
and left his wiener unprotected
Lorena figured no more rape
if Winston was de-neckted

From the body weaned, guillotined.

She opened up the back door
in the kitchen she did sneak
she grabbed a nine inch bowie knife
in the bedroom she did peak

Johnny was a layin’ there
his lizard out in view
Lorena had no second thoughts
she knew what she had to do

One quick slice… very nice.

With his Member in her left hand
and the Bowie in her right
she tugged on Johnny’s Johnson
and beheld an eerie sight

With one quick swipe from Bowie
the evil critter went a flyin’
and Johnny Boy was left there
grabbin’ Stumpy and a crying’

Overnight transvestite.

Well Lorena took the Wiggler
and down the street she did go
cops, paramedics and firemen
were searchin’ for it high and low

They found it in the bushes
and they packed it up in ice
they brought it to the ER
with old John to reunite

Reattach, home at last.

Well the moral to this story
is easy to comprehend
if you mistreat your life partner
She’ll get even in the end

For the doctor sewed and stitched
but found he’d done the job all wrong
for when Johnny gets excited
it don’t go up, it goes straight down.

Some People Just Don’t Know When to Quit

NaPoWriMo Day 25

To the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”

Went hiking one day down old Grand Canyon way
I must have been suicidal
the boulders and brush proved to be way too much
wished I had my butt in a saddle.

The pathway was steep and the river was deep
took three hours to reach the bottom
three toenails were lost, only part of the cost
my feet felt like rigor mortem.

My boots were brand new, my feet felt like goo
my legs, they just quit a workin’
cramps wrapped me in pain as the clock ticked away
nine more miles uphill I was facin’.

The water we’d brought was gone every drop
three miles to get to a spigot
my back was so sore from the backpacking chore
thought they’d carry me out in a casket.

It was nine hours more ‘for I saw the front door
where food and drink was awaitin’
it was all I could do to untie my boots
due to cramps and all of the bleedin’.

The drive back home was a miracle I know
my clutch was a seventy-five pounder
a five hour drive and I was barely alive
as we rolled to the hacienda.

For three days and three nights I was a terrible fright
couldn’t walk or negotiate stairways
my frame of mind must be one-of-a-kind
I’m thinkin’ of doing a replay.